Helping Children Say What to Say to Someone Who Lost a Grandparent

When a child learns their friend has lost a grandparent, they often freeze, unsure what to say or do. This reaction is perfectly normal, but as parents, we can guide our children through these difficult conversations with compassion and age-appropriate wisdom. Teaching children how to express sympathy isn't just about finding the right words to say to someone who lost a grandparent—it's about fostering emotional intelligence that will serve them throughout life. Children naturally want to help their friends feel better, but without guidance, they might say something unintentionally hurtful or avoid the topic altogether.

Understanding what to say to someone who lost a grandparent requires recognizing that children process grief differently than adults. Their developmental stage influences both their understanding of death and their ability to express comfort. While adults might navigate these waters instinctively, children need concrete examples and clear guidance. By teaching your child thoughtful ways to respond to a friend's loss, you're equipping them with emotional regulation skills that extend far beyond this single conversation.

Let's explore how children of different ages can express sympathy authentically and supportively when a friend experiences this common but profound loss.

Age-Appropriate Words for What to Say to Someone Who Lost a Grandparent: Ages 4-12

Preschool/Early Elementary (4-7)

For younger children, simplicity and concreteness work best when figuring out what to say to someone who lost a grandparent. At this age, children are still developing their understanding of death as permanent and universal. Their expressions of sympathy should match their developmental level:

• "I'm sorry your grandpa died. Do you want to play with me?"
• "I feel sad that you're sad about your grandma."
• "I'm here to be your friend."

Teach your young child that it's okay to mention the person who died by name and that sometimes just being present is the most comforting thing they can offer. Children this age can also express care through simple drawings or sharing a special toy temporarily—actions often speak louder than words when managing emotional uncertainty.

Older Elementary (8-12)

By elementary school, children develop more nuanced understanding of death and empathy. They can offer more sophisticated expressions when considering what to say to someone who lost a grandparent:

• "I remember when you told me about fishing with your grandpa. He sounded really special."
• "It's okay if you don't want to talk about it, but I'm here if you do."
• "Would it help if I sat with you at lunch today?"

Children this age benefit from learning that listening is often more valuable than speaking. Encourage your child to ask their friend questions about their grandparent and to share memories if the friend seems open to it. This age group can also offer practical support, like helping with homework if their friend is struggling to focus.

Teens Supporting Friends Who Lost a Grandparent: What to Say and Do

Teenagers have a more mature understanding of death but may still struggle with finding the right words. Their approach to what to say to someone who lost a grandparent can include more emotional depth:

• "I can't imagine exactly how you feel, but I want you to know I care."
• "Your grandmother sounded amazing. I'd love to hear more about her whenever you want to share."
• "It's okay to feel however you feel—angry, sad, or even okay sometimes."

Teens can be taught that respecting their friend's grieving process means sometimes giving space and other times staying close. Encourage your teen to check in regularly but without pressure. Practical support might include offering confident communication with teachers about extensions or simply creating normal moments of teenage fun as a temporary respite.

Adolescents are particularly capable of understanding that grief doesn't follow a timeline—their support might be needed weeks or months after the loss when others have moved on. Help them understand that phrases like "they're in a better place" or "at least they lived a long life" might not be helpful, even if well-intended.

Throughout all age groups, the most important lesson is authenticity. Children sense insincerity quickly. The most effective approach to what to say to someone who lost a grandparent isn't about perfect phrasing but genuine care. As parents, modeling compassionate responses when others experience loss teaches more than any instruction.

Remember that helping your child learn what to say to someone who lost a grandparent is an ongoing conversation, not a one-time lesson. By guiding them through these difficult waters, you're helping them develop emotional intelligence that will serve them—and their friends—for life.