Beyond the 5 Stages: A Circular Approach to the Stages of Getting Over a Breakup
The traditional Kübler-Ross model has been our go-to framework for understanding grief and loss, including the stages of getting over a breakup. You've probably heard of them: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But what if I told you that breakup recovery rarely follows this neat, linear path? Research increasingly shows that the stages of getting over a breakup actually resemble something closer to a circle than a straight line – with emotions recurring rather than resolving in sequence.
Think about it – have you ever felt like you were finally moving on, only to be blindsided by a wave of sadness weeks later? That's because emotional resilience after a breakup doesn't build in a straight line. The circular approach to breakup recovery acknowledges something important: cycling through different emotional stages isn't a setback – it's completely normal. Understanding this fundamental shift in how we view the stages of getting over a breakup can transform your healing journey from one of frustration to one of self-compassion.
Understanding the Circular Stages of Getting Over a Breakup
When we embrace a circular model of the stages of getting over a breakup, we recognize that emotions don't simply resolve and disappear. Instead, they tend to resurface at different intensities throughout the recovery process. For example, you might feel acceptance at the three-week mark, only to cycle back to anger or denial at three months when a triggering event occurs.
This circular pattern is particularly evident at predictable intervals after a breakup:
- 1-month mark: Initial shock wears off, reality sets in
- 3-month mark: Common period for renewed grief as "moving on" seems harder than expected
- 6-month mark: Social expectations to be "over it" can trigger frustration when emotions resurface
Unlike the linear model that makes you feel like you've "failed" when old emotions return, the circular stages of getting over a breakup normalize these experiences. Consider Alex, who felt completely over his ex after two months, then found himself in tears after accidentally visiting their favorite restaurant at the four-month mark. In a linear model, Alex might think he'd regressed. In the circular approach, he recognizes this as a natural part of his healing journey.
The key insight is that each time you cycle through an emotional stage, it typically becomes less intense and shorter in duration – evidence that you are indeed healing, even when it doesn't feel like it. This perspective shift is crucial for healthy self-talk during recovery.
Practical Tools for Navigating the Stages of Getting Over a Breakup
Recognizing when you're cycling back through earlier stages is the first step toward more effective breakup recovery. Pay attention to physical cues like changes in sleep patterns, appetite shifts, or renewed obsessive thoughts about your ex – these often signal you've re-entered an earlier emotional stage.
When you notice yourself cycling back, try these three strategies to honor the process while continuing to move forward:
- The 5-minute emotion validation: Set a timer and allow yourself to fully feel whatever emotion has resurfaced, without judgment. When the timer ends, consciously shift to a present-focused activity.
- Pattern interruption: Change your physical state through brief, intense exercise or the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique to reset your emotional state.
- Future-self visualization: Spend 30 seconds imagining yourself a year from now, having moved through this circular process successfully.
Remember, these recurring emotions aren't setbacks – they're opportunities to process aspects of the relationship you weren't ready to face earlier. Each cycle through the stages of getting over a breakup helps you integrate the experience more fully.
Embracing Your Unique Journey Through the Stages of Getting Over a Breakup
Your circular path through the stages of getting over a breakup will be uniquely yours. Some people cycle through emotions weekly at first, while others might experience months of stability before a memory triggers another emotional wave. The good news? Research shows that the intensity and frequency of these emotional cycles diminish over time.
A simple way to track your progress is noting the duration of difficult emotional states. Early in recovery, you might feel stuck in sadness for days; later, similar feelings might last only hours or minutes. This subtle shift is powerful evidence of healing, even when you're still experiencing the circular stages of getting over a breakup.
By embracing this circular model, you free yourself from the pressure of "getting over it" in some predetermined timeframe. Instead, you can honor each part of your journey through the stages of getting over a breakup as essential to your growth and eventual healing.
