Lost control and didn’t handle a situation well? Get advice from the community!
Losing control in difficult situations is a deeply human experience, often leaving us feeling regretful, misunderstood, or overwhelmed. Developing effective self-control techniques matters because how we handle anger, frustration, and conflict directly impacts our relationships, well-being, and sense of self. Moments of lost control can damage trust, escalate problems, and create cycles of negativity that are hard to break.
Recognizing that many people grapple with these challenges, we asked our community to share their experiences and advice on times they lost control and didn't handle a situation well. We wanted to create a space for shared understanding and practical support, moving beyond theoretical advice to learn from real-life struggles and coping mechanisms.
Several key themes emerged from the conversation, including the profound impact of anger on relationships, the role of past experiences and unmet needs, the pain of saying hurtful things in the heat of the moment, and the ongoing search for healthier ways to manage intense emotions and communicate effectively.
Common Experiences with Losing Control Shared by Our Community
- Difficulty communicating needs and boundaries in relationships, leading to explosive arguments.
- Feeling unheard or dismissed by partners, triggering intense anger and frustration.
- Realizing that past traumas or ingrained patterns contribute to current reactions.
- Expressing anger in ways that are hurtful (yelling, sharp words, silent treatment) and feeling deep regret afterward.
- Struggling to forgive oneself or move past situations where control was lost.
How Does Poor Communication Fuel Relationship Conflict?
Many community members shared how breakdowns in communication, especially with partners, are major triggers for losing control. Feeling unheard, needing validation, or struggling to express needs constructively often leads to escalating anger and hurtful interactions.
Why Do Past Experiences and Internal Triggers Cause Me to Lose Control?
Internal factors like past trauma, mental health challenges, unmet needs, or deeply ingrained insecurities often underlie intense emotional reactions. Understanding these personal triggers is a crucial step towards developing better self-control techniques.
Renee
5 months ago
I only blow up in my relationship. When it comes to work, friends, or family it never happens. I’ve come to realize that my childhood traumas play a role in that. What’s helped me so far is trying to talk and express myself before having to hear my partner speak so he is aware that im at my boiling point so he can know to either let me cool down or he will talk and say something to help me feel better in the moment to be able to fix the situation.
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Lucia
5 months ago
I get angry when my friends do or say something that digs into my childhood wounds, I am trying to heal them in therapy but still I am not able to, this makes me want to run away from them and then I feel guilty. It is hard work to don’t do that anymore and try to have conversations about it.
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Destani
5 months ago
I struggle with letting things go that deeply hurt or trigger me. I understand assuming the best or that forgiveness should help, but I find myself feeling the need for my feelings to be validated or understood in order to completely move on. Does anyone have any tips on how to handle this?
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Danielle
5 months ago
I lose control when I express how I feel and then my partner either doesn’t take the time to understand or down plays my feelings.
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What Happens When Anger Leads to Hurtful Words and Regret?
Many shared the painful experience of saying things they didn't mean in anger, damaging relationships and their own self-perception. This cycle of outburst and regret highlights the need for healthier ways to manage intense emotions.
Courtney
5 months ago
I went into a yelling “rant” w/ my kiddos after trying my hardest to attempt a “gentle parenting” approach, but the yelling just happened, and even though I felt in my head that what I was doing & saying was hurtful, I just couldn’t stop myself. Like once I start I can’t stop, & after the fact I feel SO bad & full of regret every time...
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Allison
5 months ago
I am so blunt that I think I am ruining my relationships. I speak as if I don’t care who is around or the consequences. I used to be so sweet but now I’m just so mean sometimes. I may not have anger outbursts but my words come out so sharply and I just feel that I’m not pleasant to be around anymore.
204
Lynne
5 months ago
When I get really angry sometimes my voice changes and I still say the same hurtful stuff but in a calm voice that scares him. He says it’s like another personality takes over. He thinks I’m creepy as shit when this happens. (In my defense, I don’t have multiple personalities, it’s just another level of anger).
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B
5 months ago
I argued with my mom yesterday and I said some things that I wasn’t proud of and I feel terrible about it. She leaves in a few days for a solo vacation and I just don’t want her to leave before we resolve it and she knows what I meant to say and not the hurtful way that I said it at the moment. This feeling sucks
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How to Improve Self-Control Techniques Based on Real Experiences
- Practice Grounding and Pausing: When emotions rise, try grounding techniques (like focusing on your senses) or consciously pausing the conversation to prevent escalation. Giving yourself even a minute can make a difference. (Inspired by Yve, Lynne's struggle)
- Communicate Needs and Boundaries Calmly: Instead of reacting with anger, try to express how you feel using "I" statements and clearly state your boundaries or what you need from the other person. Attaching a feeling (e.g., "I feel hurt when...") can foster empathy. (Inspired by Leigh, Sam, Nezlly)
- Prioritize Self-Regulation Habits: Consistent self-care like adequate sleep, regular exercise, meditation, or even reading philosophical works on managing emotions can build resilience and make it easier to handle stressful situations. (Inspired by jeromy, Patrick's mention of meditation)
- Repair, Reflect, and Show Accountability: If you do lose control, take responsibility for your actions once calm. Apologize sincerely, explain without making excuses, and reflect on what triggered the outburst to learn for the future. Modeling accountability is crucial, especially with children. (Inspired by Leigh's advice to Courtney, B's desire to resolve)
- Explore Underlying Issues: Recognize that recurring patterns might stem from deeper issues like past trauma, attachment styles, anxiety, depression, or even addiction. Seeking therapy or self-educating on these topics can provide valuable insights and tools. (Inspired by Patrick, Lucia, Leigh's advice, Levon)
Anger
Confidence
Anxiety
Positivity
Procrastination
HeartbreakAngerConfidenceAnxietyPositivityProcrastinationHeartbreak
Lynne
5 months ago
I have a tendency to want to talk things through when my partner isn’t ready to talk about something or when he needs a break from the conversation because he is emotionally exhausted. Recently on a six hour car ride I gave him the silent treatment for 3 hours, we talked about a situation that had occurred that I was upset about for about 15 mins, he said he needed a break from the conversation and I wouldn’t accept that. I talked for 2 hours straight and he never said one word. My mouth is my biggest weapon and I regrettably said things just to make him feel small.
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Karma
7 months ago
ive always dealt with fear of abandonment, depression and anxiety and its really showed in my relationship. i always get mad at the smallest things but i feel like its because i constantly beg for things and he never changes or does them. he doesnt even do the small things. i just feel unloved and unwanted by him.
245
Peter
5 months ago
My partner tends to avoid difficult conversations, which makes bringing up issues or concerns troublesome. Often our conversations turn heated (usually I’m the one that gets worked up first) I feel like I’m not heard, when I finally do bring my concerns up, it’s met with dismissive responses. I don’t like who I become when I’m angry, I talk loud. I’m sure i look mean, and nasty, and I’ve said things I would regret once I calm back down.
198
Mady
5 months ago
I feel so calm around everyone else, but when my partner isn’t perfect, I lose my mind and think of everything that they do wrong. It breaks my heart because I want to remember that they are human too.
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